I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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