Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
