The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
