Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Boobs are out for the taking
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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