Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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