Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
