I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
