When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
