I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
