I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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