Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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