I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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