Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
