Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
