I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
