I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i drank out of a bidet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
