Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
