god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
