Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
