i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
