My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
