I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We have started to decorate penises.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
