They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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