maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
