Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
