Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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