I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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