You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
