He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
