Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
