if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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