Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
