this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
