And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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