I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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