i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
