Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
