I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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