What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
