My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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