I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
