Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
