Well apparently he's into motor boating.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
