My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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