he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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