Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
