i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
