apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
