i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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