Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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